Something Dan on the show said that really got my attention and Sheryl (http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com) quoted on her blog:
"I never thought it was possible - to not be fat. Because I've never known everything different. I look in the mirror and I try to see that this can happen..." - Dan (The Biggest Loser)
I sort of feel the same way. I've always been heavy... I was a husky child, my pediatrician use to tell my mother to cut down on my McDonalds, etc. Growing up I was always a little over weight usually only about 5-10 pounds over. When I got to high school I gained about 30-40 pounds I lost the weight (crash dieting) and for a while was underweight but that didn't last long, I got pregnant... after Vi was born I was then about 20 pounds over weight.
Through the years, I've gotten bigger and bigger until I reach my all time high if being 60 pounds overweight. My point is, according to the medical/health charts I've never been a truly healthy weight - so it's hard for me to image being at goal, and I think that's one of the things that sometimes discourages me and causes me to go off my trail and binge. When I'm losing weight and can start to see a difference, I get cocky and comfortable... but deep down inside a part of me gets scared and nervous... my mind starts to tell me that I can't do this, I won't stay this size for long... and other negative things. I freak out, and then start emotionally binging.
I need to start believing in myself, and erase those negative thoughts, or use them as a motivational tool - knowing that I can gain the weight back, that should motivate me to truly watch my diet and workout regularly. These negative thoughts could be used as a tool to strengthen my commitment to stay healthy, because I know the consequences if I don't.
Andrea.'s (http://acakeforawife.blogspot.com) wrote the following in her blog this morning:
I have this friend who is a registered massage therapist, and one night she was complaining about a couple of her clients who never want their massage to 'hurt' at all. And she was frustrated by this because sometimes you really have to work the muscles to get them right again, and sometimes that's going to hurt a bit, but because they were so scared of that she couldn't really help them. And she said, "People are so afraid of any discomfort, or of anything being hard. They don't realize that sometimes that's the way you have to go to get where you want to be."
A lot of things 'clicked' for me then.
But something happened that day, I don't know. I embraced the idea of 'hard'. I stopped connecting 'hard' with 'bad' or 'undesirable'.
Losing weight IS hard. It takes real work. But that doesn't mean it's 'too hard'. That doesn't mean we can't do it. We CAN do it. All of us can.
This touched me. And made me realize that this time that I've been trying to lose weight I've been trying, but not hard enough. I could do more, like REFUSING to go over my daily points, like saying NO THANK YOU when people offer me high point foods, and not giving in to snack buying when grocery shopping with my mother because she's buying some.
I can stay on program every day. I have the tools, a information and education, and the support. I just need to make more of an effort and have more control over what goes in my body, and what I do with my body. I AM THE BOSS OF ME!
Looking back, I think I've been trying to push this Weight Loss Wagon with only one hand, I need to use two in order to get it really moving.
Another thing is I need to get REAL workouts in... I do get activity in because I do a lot of running around. I work part time, raise a teenage daughter by myself, I have a boyfriend, I care for my mother and her personal needs - so that means I'm not only in charge of running my household, I'm also partially in charge of hers. Between all that I get a lot of activity points in, but can I really honestly count that as true exercise? No, most of the time I don't sweat or strain. I need to make a commitment to get real exercise in, time when I put my workout clothes on and am doing an activity that has me continuously moving and sweating - whether it be jumping, dancing, running, etc.
I have no excuse for not setting time apart. I have numerous exercise videos of all kinds, exercise bands, small hand weights, an exercise ball, a mini trampoline, a yoga mat, not to mention Ross practically has a whole gym in his garage that he's more than happy to share with me, and I know a bit about exercising from working with Chiropractors and in the past managing health clubs (I was a trainer desk junkie). I know how to exercise, and physically I can exercise. I have no injuries or health problems. I'm asthmatic but through the years have learned to work around it and control it. I may not know everything about exercise but I do have a general knowledge and could actually probably tone up quite a bit without the help of a personal trainer. I can do all of this, but I don't out of laziness and procrastination... ignoring myself and not taking the time or I guess caring enough to do it.
I can use my busy schedule as an excuse but I know deep down it's not a very good one. If I went to bed early, I could get up early and get a 30 minute workout in before work.
I haven't been trying hard enough, and if I truly want to get to goal I need to put some hustle (or should I say muscle) into it.
Tomorrow is weigh-in. I haven't checked my scale since a couple of days ago... the last I checked it said 185.5. I honestly can't say if I'll have a gain or not. The good thing about tomorrow is it's a brand new start for me. I know a few days ago I said this next week I would be doing an experiment with my first week's journal. I was going to eat exactly the way I did my very first week - when I lost 6 pounds. I took a better look at that journal today, and I can't do it. I lived on snacks. I know lately I've been binging, but that was truly a full week of just processed crap... I mostly ate chicken, Fiber One bars, Fat Free pudding, and Hostess 100 Calorie snacks. I know I haven't been very good lately with staying within points, but I think what I'm eating is a whole lot healthier than what I had that first week. I've been working on eating balanced meals, and I feel if I do a week of eating like that again I'll lose weight but it'll still be a step back...
So, I've decided to browse my old food journals for ideas... but I don't think I want to go back to a week of 17 Fiber One bars, 12 containers of Fat Free Pudding, 50-60 oz of Chicken, and 15 Hostess 100-Calorie Snacks... lol.
Here's to a new week and a more balanced and newly committed me, and to all of you who are also currently experiencing bumps in your weight loss journey. Like Andrea. said... We CAN do it!
The following is my journal for Monday and Tuesday... (not too pretty):
Daily Points: 25
1 cup Oatmeal: 2 (23)
1/2 cup Fat-Free Milk: 1 (22)
1 Fiber One Bar: 2 (20)
Lean Cuisine South Western Style Sandwich: 6 (14)
1 Fiber One Bar: 2 (12)
1 Banana: 2 (10)
3 oz Beef Jerky: 4 (6)
2 cups Cucumber: 0 (6)
1 Lemon Juiced: 0 (6)
4 oz Chicken: 3 (3)
1 Peanut Butter Smoothie: 3 (0)
3 tbs Chocolate Sauce: 3 (-3)
4 tbs Peanut Butter: 8 (-11)
1 Peanut Butter Smoothie: 3 (-14)
Exercise: 0 (-14)
Flex Points Used: 0 (-14)
Lean Proteins: 2
Filling Foods: 7
Daily Points: 25
1 Banana: 2 (23)
Sandwich: 10 (13)
3 slices of Headcheese: 8 (5)
2 slices of Bread: 3 (2)
1 cup Blueberries: 1 (1)
Chocolate Candy: 15 (-14)
1 tbs Chocolate Sauce: 1 (-15)
2 tbs Peanut Butter: 4 (-19)
4 oz Chicken Breast: 3 (-22)
3 oz Chicken Breast: 2 (-24)
2 cups Brown Rice: 8 (-32)
Grilled Vegetables: 0 (-32)
1 cup Sugar-Free Kool Aid: 0 (-32)
4 oz Chicken Breast: 3 (-35)
3 Brownies: 11 (-46)
Exercise - 30 minutes slow: 1 (-45)
Flex Points Used: 0 (-45)
Lean Proteins: 4
Filling Foods: 7